Narcissim Will Get You Everywhere...unless I murder you first

Yesterday I was reading a copy of New York magazine on my way home from work and I came across this feature from "The Look Book" titled Best Friends. It's supposed to be all about fashionable nobodies living in New York and enjoying their lives together as young, whimsical, kindred spirits in the prime of their lives in this big ole' crazy city.

Most of the friend couples seemed to be relatively normal, decent people that I could probably see myself being friends with. THEN enter the demons that are Charlotte Kemp Muhl (Model and Musician) and Sarabeth DeLeury (Philosopher --?? really??--and Actress), let the barfing ensue.

These girls, chupacabra, evil doers, lifeless robots whatever you prefer to call them, have GOT to be--no joke--the ABSOLUTE worst excuses for living beings I have EVER come across and will ever experience in my entire breathing existence.

The interview with these two masters of attention whoring starts out with the usual erratic name dropping, slips into the story of their meeting and how their forced personalities just seemed to MESH so perfectly!, and ends with their friendship honing the power of life by saving a deer with the warmth of their hearts and souls. Yes, by the end of this article they actually proclaim to be God.

I've taken it upon myself to go through the entire interview and reveal the true translations of how their story of friendship came to be. If people like this continue to exist and magazines keep giving the attention the desperately seek I don't know if I can keep living in NY. It's seriously SO out of hand. The constant glamour shots of young girls posing for impromptu photo shoots with a camera held in front of a mirror with heavy eyeliner, pouty lips is like the epitome of nauseating. The seriousness in which people take themselves these days is MIND boggling. How do they not look at the pictures afterwards and crack up laughing at "how wanna be model" they are obviously trying so hard to be? I got over that idea after 6th grade as I thought most girls did. Or maybe I just realized my shortcomings early on, perhaps I shouldn't be the constant dream crusher but, sorry, sometimes this shit just NEEDS to be done. I would have DIED if anyone ever found my photos my personal fashion shows let alone actually showed them off!

But obvs blogging doesn't count, well for ME anyway. I mean, making a platform where I can voice my always-on-the-money opinions and HILARIOUS jokes doesn't mean that I'm looking for attention or friendship or praise? uhhh does it? HA! haha, ha, ha.... :(

Anyway, here is my translation of the story of love that is BFF's Charlotte Kemp Muhl and Sarabeth DeLeury.



You two seem, um, very close.
CHARLOTTE: We’re not lesbians, we’re business partners. We’re about to make a music video with my boyfriend, Sean Lennon. It’s going to be us hunting Sarabeth; she’ll be Diana.

TRANSLATION:
We make out and PRETEND to be lesbians so guys will think we're hot. We're exploiting lesbianism for our own insecure, attention grabbing purposes. I have daddy issues, DUH! My boyfriend is Sean Lennon, you know, SEAN LENNON, he's like, famous, kinda, so that makes me cool, I hope.

How did you meet? SARABETH: We met first at a friend’s house. Charlotte walked in with one of her breasts hanging out and someone said, “Hey, your breast is hanging out,” and she said, “That’s okay, I have another.” CHARLOTTE: She’s the coolest person in the world, and I have really good taste. SARABETH: We became best friends and traveled the world together. We went to Europe and to L.A., where our car was seized. We both had mental breakdowns.

TRANSLATION:
HAHAHA ISN'T CHARLOTTE SO FUNNY?!!? HER F-ING BOOB was HANGING OUT and she DIDN'T EVEN CARE! At least, I didn't THINK she cared? But then again she did go run into the closet screaming and crying, carrying a dull butter knife. A trail of blood followed her around for the rest of the night too. But, like seriosuly, HOW ZANY is THAT!

My Dad f-ing MURDERED me when we got home from Europe and L.A. , aka THE WORLD. I had to be sent for psychiatric treatment after my daddy took my car keys away and Charlotte came with me because she can't even cross the street by herself let alone live the whimsical lifestyle that I've gotten her accustomed to.

Breakdowns? CHARLOTTE: Breakdowns and breakthroughs. SARABETH: We have this very interesting cyclic cycle of energy when we’re together that sucks in the most interesting people. CHARLOTTE: We’re friends with Sean Parker, who invented Napster, who just sold his business for like a billion dollars and always carries around a syringe filled with antidote.

TRANSLATION:
PLEASE SOMEBODY BE FRIENDS WITH US! Sean Parker maces us every time we scream his name outside of his house where we ride our bikes past 37 times a day! I can't take the burning any MORE! Maybe if I say Interesting OVER and OVER people will believe that we REALLY are interesting!

What do you do together, other than attract interesting people?
CHARLOTTE: We used to play a lot of chess together in Washington Square Park with all the homeless men. But then Yoko Ono got me into Go, a Japanese chess game that’s more sophisticated.

TRANSLATION:
We hang out with homeless people because flaunting your money and pretending to be friends with the less fortunate makes you appear SO free-spirited, and that you're OF the people and FROM the streets. Also, I've never heard of Japan but Yoko tells me how to live life so I listen. She is ever so wise.

Do you have summer plans? CHARLOTTE: We go upstate to this amazing nature preserve and share clothes and money in this utopian way. It’s a beautiful farm that Yoko has landscaped, and we eat watermelon and make art. SARABETH: We’re trying to create a new way of moving forward as a collective so we can make money and help people.

TRANSLATION:
We go to this little place called Southampton that is SO TINY AND ADORABLE and NO one has EVER heard of where we swim in dollar bills and try on Marc Jacobs hobo-wear for personal photo shoots all day long. Yoko throws watermelons at us when she can't stand us anymore and we make macaroni picture frames. Sometimes I eat the glue and macaroni and Yoko slaps me. We're learning how to walk and we really want people to pay us for being pretty, HELP US!

Tell me about a crazy thing you’ve done recently. CHARLOTTE: We saved a deer that got hit by a car. We found it on the side of the road. It was foaming and bloody, and we laid on it and hugged and stroked it. It got up twenty minutes later; it had regained its energy.

TRANSLATION:
We hit a deer one day with our Porche. Sarabeth wanted to leave it there, but I thought we should drag it home to Yoko as a GIFT. I tried shooting it once more to assure that it was in enough pain, otherwise Yoko would be angry, but I missed and hit Sarabeth instead. The deer was fine all along, it was just taking a shit.

AND SCENE.