All Hell Breaketh Loose

This week on The Hills... while Lauren's away the minions will play, and start drama, and date each other. Good and evil will collide and nosy mothers start trouble. See the full episode here and catch the recap below!



Lauren is going on a little vacay to Italy--probably something through FIDM, otherwise the cameras would have followed her there. Lo and Audrina are pretending that they're going to become besties while she's gone to make her feel better. Lauren drives away and their faces drop.

Ok she's gone... get away from me.


Stephanie wants to come over and hang with Audrina. Audrina ist confoozed???

"Hey! It's Steph, can I come hang out??" "Uhh Lauren isn't here, what do you want?"


Steph comes over anyway and notices how Magda tan Audrina is. She laid out all weekend and drank strawberry mojitos, what a tough life.

What? I had nothing better to do.


Steph drops the bomb that Doug E Fresh asked her out. Audrina thinks it's a bad idea and suggests she wait untill Lauren gets back to get her permission first, but Steph thinks she's just gonna go for it.

I think I'm just gonna go for it, Lauren won't care right?



HEED MY WARNING STEPHANIE-Lauren no LIKEY.


Over at Bolt House Heidi is saying how she wants to take Spencer out for a NIGHT on the town. WOOOO Hooo! Partaayy!! She's bored of staying in all the time. Looks like SOMEONE is getting sick of changing a certain baby clear beard's diaper, ehh? ehh?

He's just like so INCREDIBLEY boring HAHAHA!


Audrina and Lo go for lunch. Lo lectures Audrina on dating Jobby, "at this age you need to make decisions for yourself." Well excussssse me!

I'm judgemental, get it?



Audrina tells Lo about Steph and Doug E Fresh possibly dating and Lo is SHOCKED, "with Doug? With Doug?" Audrina says how that's a big NO NO and questions why Steph would even want Lauren's sloppy seconds. Well maybe because theeeeeese leftovers happen to have a private jet and muscles, Hmmmmm?? Ever think about THAT Audrina?! Or Maybe they're truly meant to be... nah it's the jet.

Lo and Audrina go out clubbing at GOA and LOW and behold, MAYHEM--Heidi and Spencer walk in. Major DaRAMaaaaaaa! Spencer walks in front of Heidi and he looks miserable. Heidi wants to say hi to Audrina because she's sick of hanging with Spencer, obvs. Heidi comes over to say hi.

OMG, look who just walked in and OMG they're coming OVER! EWW GROSS!


Audrina and Heidi REMINISCE! GOODTIMES!

OMG Remember when we were friends? I LOVED that!


Lo is SO uncomfortable.

Umm, wtf?


Audrina IMMEDIATELY starts spilling the gossip about DougE and Steph. Heidi thinks it's NUTSO because Lauren was SO in love with him in highschool. God forbid Lauren grows up and gets over it and lets douchey Doug have a life. Know what I'm saying? Heidi then invites Audrina to a Bolt House party the next night and they make a DATE! Audrina you cave so easily, fo shammmmme!

The next day at Heidi and Spencer's, Steph walks in and she wants attention. She wants to know if Spencer knows about her and Doug E. Spencer tells her that LC is gonna FREAK out but Steph rationalizes it by saying she'll just tell her that they're just friends, i.e. she will lie. Spencer tells her she should be worried that she's gonna get the axe for this.

It's no big deal right? She won't find out if I lie to her face right?


You're gonna diiiieeee ha ha ha!



Hmmph :(


P.S. Anybody seen Holly?

Jobby and Audrina walk into the Bolt House (skater?) party. Heidi is dressed in her best rocker girl ensemble and jobby looks like EazyE circa '94.



Audrina asks Heidi what's going on with Steph and Heidi says she knows nothing. She's worried because she doesn't know DougE very well. Heidi wants to know if LC trusts Steph, implying that she shouldn't. Heidi starts praising Jesus for not having to be involved in Lauren's drama anymore and Audrina tells her she's lucky. Righhhtttt Heidi, you're DYING To be a part of that drama. Get real. And as for YOU Audrina, you could be disposed of VERY easily. Better watch yourself.

"Ugh you're SOO lucky you don't have to deal with Lauren's crap anymore." "I know right? Hanging out with clear beard is WAY more fun anyway."


Steph goes out with Doug E. She asks Doug about his friendship with Brody. Doug tells her how they're dudes. She makes a face because she has her differences with Brody. They both ask if the other told Brody and Lauren about going out and they say no. OH but luck would have it, Brody's mom is at the restaurant. She is FULL of botox and sweeties. BUSTED!

Holllllyy sh**, don't make eye contact. Get your hand off my boob.


Audrina is FREAKING out with Lauren in Italy. She's had "Bonding Time" with Lo, she befriended Heidi, and female Spencer went on a date with Lauren's highschool sweetheart. THE WORLD IS FALLING APART!

Everyone seems to think Step should find her own guy but I say who cares? If they like each other and Lauren didn't want him, let her fly that Jet!

Lauren returns EARLY from ITALY! She had seen all Italy had to offer...right. She also compares it to a construction sight. Wich I do kind of get.

I'm BAAACCCCKKKK! What'd I miss?



They tell her about going to GOA and Audrina hanging with Heidi. What's worse Audrina going out with Heidi and Spencer or Steph dating Doug E? It seems like LC was more annoyed by Audrina and I would be too. Talk about betrayal.

Soooo Audrina went behind your back and once again befriended your mortal enemy. Oh and Steph is dating Doug.


Oh realllllllly.


Lauren and Brody meet up to dish on ALL that happened while she was away. Brody wants to say "I told you so" to Lauren about Steph because he loves making Lauren's life miserable I guess. Brody's mom obvs told him about running into Steph and Doug on their date and now Lauren is actually pissed off. Brody's going ON and On about what a horrible person Steph is for doing this to her and Lauren makes a good point, "Don't you think that's messed up of Doug too?"

Brody's answer: "Guys will be guys, but she's suppossed to be one of your best friends." Umm Lauren only met Steph a few months ago but she's known Doug E since highschool. Double standard much?

Told ya so, told ya so! Na na na na poo poo!


Why must you rub it in while using the fake phone hand gesture. It's REALLY lame.


NEXT WEEK: Heidi's mom comes to visit! Spencer's head explodes.

Not Under MY Roof Dagnabbit!

In this episode of The Hills Spencer expresses us his REAL feelings about Lauren and enforces his house rules, Audrina and JB snap back into reality, and we find out who was living it up in the 90's. Check out the whole episode here and then check out a recap of the episode below.




When we left off, Spencer had lied to Holly and told her that he AND Heidi wanted her out. Now Holly is back--acting as if Spencer never did the scummiest thing in the world to her, what's with the world of denial these Montag's live in?--and, like any normal 20 something living in LA, starring in a reality show, she wants to HIT the town and make some friends.



Blank stares from Heidi and Spencer, "like you mean, leave the house? Talk to people? Do you even know how to make an entrance? Or order sour apple martinis? Or use a toilet?"

You? Out? In Front of People? Stop joking and get back in your cage. Here, mess up Spencer's Tivo. It's my only thrill in life.


Holly pushes her point further by threatening Speidi with the possibility of calling their mortal enemy,"the only people I know are you guys and..." DUUUnn Dunnn DUUUUUN! "Lauren."

I think Spencer's clear beard just multiplied and each hair grew its own tiny individual beard, like the hulk, but in beard form.

Spencer will have NONE of this LAUREN business! He is laying down the law. Who does she think she is anyway? His girlfriend's sister who can do whatever she wants and be friends with whomever she wants and run amok all over town full of people who despise him! Not while his beard lives and breathes!

"While you're under this roof, there will be no fraternizing or socializing." You tell her Spencer! How dare she get out of the house and give you back your solitude like you asked for. Your abusive, 1950's dad act is SURE to scare the DICKENS out of her and make her see why she should be friends with you over sweet and pretty Lauren! You make OH so much SENSE!

Suddenly Lauren gets a text from Holly. Lauren's voice is so raspy, what's the deal? Too much fighting? Too much partying? Too much begging for friendship?

Lauren wants to see Holly but she doesn't want to cause problems with the evil twins again.


Holly meets Lauren for lunch and receives a warm welcome! They've missed each other!


Holly tells Lauren how living with Speidi is rough. Umm yeah? Would you find it easy to live with these creepy old bitty's 24 hours a day, trapped in the basement?


Lauren explains to Holly how her friendship with Steph is rocky because of Heidi and Spencer and she's not sure if she wants to go through that again. But ya know, if you wanna chill call me!

Back in Aujobbyville (I tried combining Audrina and Justin Bobby there. I don't think it's working but I'll keep it up for the sake of making this post as awkward as the TENSION in the show--or because I really want to coin a Nickname) Jobby (OOH I like that one!) takes Audrina out to a fancy dinner. She tells Jobby how the tension with the girls is WAY better thanks to his ever so wise advice. Audrina asks Jobby to come to her work party for The White Tie Affair and he reluctantly agrees. Looks like we're starting to see a bit of the old Jobby back in action. I KNEW his woodsman mystique was too good to be true!

Sure I'll go to you're work party. Will you be there? Oh you will? Hmmm.. I'll meet you.


The next day Audrina invites Lauren and Lo to the party. They agree to come and are excited to be hanging out ONCE again. Lauren also fills Audrina in on the Holly drama. Audrina thinks it might be weird if she starts hanging out with Holly, but that hasn't stopped Lauren from pursuing doomed friendships in the past. Lauren and Audrina both can agree though that Holly being in LA might be a good thing because she could have a positive influence on Heidi.

I mean, maybe she'll like, save her soul you know? Like maybe a certain someone with a name that rhymes with denser could have a small accident, that could be REALLY good for Heidi, ya know?


Later that night at The White Tie Affair party Lauren, Lo and Steph show up and Audrina is happy to see them. The girls LOVE the band.

YAAAHHH! You Came! You Like Me!


OHH but wait? Where's Jobby? He didn't show? Now Audrina's face is sad.

Sad face :(


Lauren is FEELIN' this band! She's not bobbing her head back and forth like she normally would at one of Audrina's "weird shows."

Back at the Apartment of death, Heidi is trying to be HIPSTER now! A beret! Big hoop earrings! Off the shoulder shirt, loose jeans!

What? It's like 82 degrees out. I needed a hat or I might get sick.


Holly tells Heidi that she saw Lauren and Heidi goes BALLISTIC! The accusations are a flying! She's jealous and sad. Don't worry Heidi, Mamma Holly will make it alllllll better. She will MEND this friendship if it kills her! Even if it means using the same tactics to brainwash Lauren that Spencer used on you! Not to worry child!

Back at the after party, Sean the guitarist is hitting on Steph BIG TIME. He shows her his tattoos...


and Steph admits to having her tongue pierced once. I KNEW I smelled a raver!


"Where's Justin?" Yeah, where's Justin! She don't know?!? "Way to be a BUZZ kill," says Lauren. Ooooh why don't you turn that KNIFE a little deeper Lauren, ouch!

Audrina is second guessing Jobby again. She knows not to invest her feelings in him, but she'll keep seeing him. Thus is the the magic of JB.

The next day in class Lauren tells Steph she hung out with Holly and that even though she loves Holly, her friendship with Steph makes her reluctant to venture down that road again. She's afraid Speidi will kill Holly if she taints her with her powers of miracle friendship.

It's sad ya know? Like it could be great but Spencer has probably already started plotting her death and it's nice that he's focusing his efforts on someone other than me.


At work, Heidi tells her co-worker Kimberly about Holly hanging with Lauren and how she's sad she can't be friends with Lauren anymore. She regrets the fighting. She's hoping that Holly can mend their friendship. But on the other side of things, Lauren is hoping that Holly isn't thinking she can fix their friendship, cuz it AIN'T happening yo.

Next Week: Audrina and Lo are left alone (too soon?) and they run into Heidi and Spencer at a bar. Ewwwwwww

Steph goes on a date with Doug E fresh and people warn her not to date Lauren's leftovers. Bitchy Brody makes a huge deal about it and he tattles on Steph. But who cares? Lauren didn't want him anyway and someone's gotta make use of that JET! Go for it Steph! I bet Doug E likes a tongue ring. Pass that imaginary ball his way, nah mean?

The Hills Have Big Doey Eyes Dripping with Mascara and Friendship--Part Les Deux

In part Les Deux we will continue dissecting the very INTRICATE details of this massive two part episode of The Hills where we witness friendship romance, black tears, new found wisdom, spilled BLOODy marys, and the devil himself (Spencer!). You can watch all of Monday night's episode below if you missed out:


When we left off Brody and Doug E Fresh had been sent to jail after a CARAZY night of partying in Vegas. Lauren and the girls vow to break them out by searching through the yellow pages in order to call jails and bail bond stores, sooo stone age.



Magically the Brodester and Doug E return with the WEIRDEST STORY EVER!

HURRAY BACK FROM JAIL!


Apparently some random man punched Doug E after inviting him to a party. He spilled Doug E's Bloody Mary all over him! What a JERK! Lauren quietly mutters "IDIOTS" to her girls. No truer words were ever spoken my dear. My question though is, why was Doug E drinking a Bloody Mary at 4 am?

IDIOTS


The group heads back to the private jet and Audrina can't take the tension anymore. She asks Lauren if they can talk when they get home.

Can we chat? I miss ya baby...


Back in casa del diablo, Spencer comes home to Heidi's sister Holly and greets her with EXTREME sarcasm. She's looking for jobs and apartments and he asks if she's really been doing that all day from the couch. THE NERVE! Especially coming from a man who has left a permanent mark in that couch. He's just jealous of her more curvaceous butt print I bet. Holly has been there for about 24 hours and he's already telling her that he and Heidi want her OUT! HE needs to get OUT! Man he's the worst! Heidi is going to KILL HIM!

Hey Spencer! How's it going? Did you have a good day manipulating my sister once again? Thanks SO much for letting me sleep on your couch for a night! I LOVE YOU!

You need to get out. I can't brainwash Heidi the way I like with you messing up my TIVO all the time.



Now that the gang is back from their crazy, hi jinx filled weekend in Vegas Lauren goes to People's Revolution to hopefully let her work distract her from her problems with Audrina. She has to FRAY jeans for a living. MY GOD, GET me that job!

We Have The Best Jobs Ever!



Aww Justin Bobby is being a KIND Gentleman these days. I love him so much more this season. Maybe it's his haircut? He's gone from jerky homeless man, to gentle woodsman. He and Audrina are totally going to move in together and then get married and then have babies, with long dark hair and blue eyes, and they'll name them Lauren Bobby and Brody Bobby. Together again!

Old Justin Bobby = Crazy, Rambling, Drunk, Homeless Man

New Justin Bobby = Amazingly Wise Woodsman


Back at People's Revolution... Audrina is texting Lauren. She REALLY wants to talk. They'll work it out tonight. They just HAVE TO!

Back in the looney bin, Heidi is home and Holly is missing. Spencer pretends he doesn't know where she is. He probably doesn't, because last he saw she was floating down the river he threw her lifeless body in. Spencer is annoyed because he's seen Holly's face for 48 hours straight. HOW about you get a frigging JOB SPENCER! Heidi is pissed, but not pissed enough. She needs to get RID of this creepy mustachioed fool.

Where's My Sister Spencer?

What Do You Mean She's Practicing Her Dead Man Float?


Oh thank God, Holly finally makes it back to Heidi's place. She's been out figuring out what to do with her life. Heidi is yelling at Holly for the jerky way Spencer treated her. HEIDI! Why can't you yell at the realllll jerk here! Give that boy a whoopin', you heard me a WHOOPIN!

Thank God You're Alive, But How DARE You Let Spencer Kick You Out!


Audrina is going to talk to Lauren. IS that a tear she's shedding before even approaching her?

Hi, Can We Talk? My Eyes Are Going To Burst...


Sooo Lauren and Audrina are having the friendship breakup convo AGAIN. Lauren LOVES Audrina SO MUCH she proclaims that she will go as far as to awkwardly bob her head at the weird shows Audrina likes to go to just to be with her. Now that is love right there. Poor Lauren, she just wants FRIENDSHIP. But she doesn't realize that they can never truly be friends for Audrina has the cursed black hair that will not survive in the world of dark blond that Lauren has come to surround herself with. The mascara is a FLOWIN', flowing as deep as the river of their friendship.

The Heavy Flow of Black Tears

Friendship (for NOW...)

Previews: OH SNAP! Heidi's sister is texting LAUREN! Spencey WENCEY is NOT going to like that ONE BIT!

Predictions: Audrina falls in love with J. Bobby and moves out. The merging of assets occur and the birthing of baby Bobbies takes precedence. Spencer finds out about Holly's affair with friendship lover and mortal enemy LC. Spencer kicks Holly out and Lauren, the kind soul that she is and lover of dark blonds (Holly will fit in PERFECTLY!), offers Audrina's pool house to Holly. A dream love is born. Heidi freaks out and dyes her hair red to throw everyone off.

Spencer buys Big Buck Hunter and starts a torrid affair that includes his TIVO, a season of Murder She Wrote, and eight cans of Metamucil. Till next time...