Cool Kids vs. the Weirdos, An Endless Cycle of Torture

VS.

MSNBC has a breaking news story today on the most Popular and the most Unusual pet names of 2008. I like to call stories like this "news for the lonely and insane," but hey most of America seems to love animals more than humans so I guess it has it's audience. I don't particularly like either species so maybe I'm the crazy one here. I shan't judge you crazy cat ladies and doggy diaperers for I'm sure a few of my two friends will become you one day. So on with the show! The lists are organized by the categories of Dogs: Most Popular and Most Unusual and Cats: Most Popular and Most Unusual. Let's start with the most UNUUUUUSUAL first, whaddya say?

Dogs-Most Unusual
1. Rush Limbark
2. Sirius Lee Handsome
3. Rafikikadiki
4. Low Jack
5. Meatwad
6. Peanut Wigglebutt
7. Scuddles Unterfuss
8. Sophie Touch & Pee
9. Admiral Toot
10. Spatula

Cats-Most Unusual
1. Edward Scissorpaws
2. Sir Lix-a-lot
3. Optimus Prrrime
4. Buddah Pest
5. Snoop Kitty Kitty
6. Miss Fuzzbutt
7. 80 Bucks
8. Sparklemonkey
9. Rosie Posie Prozac
10. Toot Uncommon


Edward Scissorpaws, check, Admiral Toot, check, Rush Limbark, check. Alright, alright everything seems to be in order here. A fairly balanced mix of clever, silly and obvious puns, in addition to the obvious celebrity influences and inanimate objects. These look like two very distinct lists with some very thoughtful names on them. The pets with these names should be very proud to be called by these ridiculous cognomen's for their owners took the time to think of one special enough for their fluffy tail alone. NOW let's move onto the most POPULAR names.

Dogs-Most Popular
1. Max
2. Bailey
3. Bella
4. Molly
5. Lucy
6. Buddy
7. Maggie
8. Daisy
9. Sophie
10. Chloe

Cats-Most Popular
1. Max
2. Chloe
3. Tigger
4. Tiger
5. Lucy
6. Smokey
7. Oliver
8. Bella
9. Shadow
10. Charlie

Hmmmm... is it just me or is there something fishy about those lists? I can't quite put my finger on it but something...seems... OH I know! They're the same F-ing lists. THAT'S it. Way to be, popularity. Generic and boring like you've always been. I salute you for your never changing safety choices and love of predictable whimsy. Get real with yourself popularity, you're boring and you probably S mad D yo.

Now what strikes you about the most unusual lists vs. the most popular lists? Could it be creativity and hilarity vs. boring dumb assness? YESS!! DING DING DING! That's IT by George!

So people who name their pets "Unusual" names like Spatula and Rosie Posie Prozac are geniuses and people who name their pets "Popular" names like Michael (which, btw I think naming an animal a run of the mill human name is a sign of a serial killer) and fluffy are boring losers and highly paid bankers. Makes perfect sense.

Or maybe it's a rich and poor thing? I guess this means I'll never have money if I name my future kitty Professor Marcello the Retardo Jerk. Oh well, a girl can dream can't she? Although I can't say that I believe in this philosophy when it comes to children mind you. A good old fashioned John or Catherine will satisfy this task any day as opposed to Misty or Apple. A pet's soul purpose in life is to bear the dumbest name you can think of, so please popular people, stop testing the waters with your kids and leave it to the dogs. Kids need to function in life just as you did. A dog just needs to eat, poop and sleep.

SAVE THE YOUTHS!

A friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, recently shared with me a list of names that her preggers friend is considering for her unborn child. The list is, to say the least, out of control. Please see the list below and my interpretation of each name. NOTE: the child is a male, please keep this in mind.

RILEY: see video

HARLEY

REGAN

OR

JACKSON obvis

RYLAN yes, your son will become a 15 year old MySpace whore

LUCA

BAILEY

MADDOX

BLAZE check out that sweet tat!

MASON

PRINCE duh

DAKOTA

OR

DYLAN a girl can dream I suppose

PHOENIX

SKYLAR

ROCCO

Here comes my FAVE!

JERZY will his last name be dirty too?

NIKO

ZIKO REALLY?!?!

HARPER

HAWK umm, do I even NEED to give a picture for this? I will anyway.

JULIAN

CONNOR

Actually that was just the first image to pop up on Google when I searched for Connor and I thought it was hilarious. HERE'S what really pops into my head for this name:

AVERY

PEYTON

OR I think of my friend Cecile's little girl who is just the MOST adorable EVER

HAYDEN

JAYDEN

JAKE



I know it's tough to pick a baby name these days and everyone has an opinion on the name, and that's why people usually keep it a secret until the baby is born because some douche is going to tell you not to name your kid Marvin because they once knew a Marvin who was a real idiot so that OBVIOUSLY means your baby will grow up to become an alcoholic tranny prostitute with a zebra head too. BUT fo serious people, some of the names I hear these days sound like they were chosen in the midst of a root canal. For the sake of humanity and for not having to shun oursleves from the Europeans out of humiliation, PLEASE, PLEASE try putting some serious thought into the name of your child. They WILL have to live with it for the rest of their lives so not to putting them in an awkward situation right from the moment they exit the womb would be a wonderful first birthday gift. They'll thank you later for it.

All My Best,
Regina Fallangi