TV Recap: The Real Housewives of New Jersey--Reunited and it Feels So... Parts One and Two

The final chapter in the first season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey has ended. This Reunion was VERY strange, to say the least. From being shot in an "undisclosed location" near the railroad tracks to eyebrow lifts to death threats, these women are a whole new breed of housewife that I very much look forward to watching. You can read my recaps of both parts one and two on Cinemablend, but I think the biggest question is, WHAT THE FUCK did Danielle try to do to Dina?? I know today is an ode to MJ but somebody PLEASE investigate this!

BREAKING NEWS: Joaquin Phoenix Retires... No One Cares

Joaquin Phoenix decided to announce his retirement to an E! reporter the other day and he stormed off after the reporter hastily questioned whether or not he was kidding. SOMEONE seems to take himself a TAD too seriously me thinks. I also love how this decision was made in part to allow Casey Affleck the breathing room he needs to MAKE it in Hollywood. He's had real problems with Joaquin cock blocking him throughout his career, poor guy. Joaquin needs to have a cup of coffee, sober up and snort some S-My-D because he needs to start getting real with himself pronto.

P.S. I think I love Casey Affleck



Via comingsoon.net courtesy of Cory

How Could You Leave Me Girl?

My dearest pal little Funkney Old MacDonald LEFT me the other day for what seems like it will be a LIFETIME. The Funkster decided to travel the world in search of Rambo and cyclones and ventured on a two year long trip to Myanmar-- or what is more commonly known as Burma--to teach young, less fortunate, baby childs about the magic of music and pizza.

OHHHH how I'll miss my dear Funkney! Who will balance out my drunken antics when I'm acting a fool to only act a bigger fool by flipping over a beer pong table when everyone's backs are turned?!

Who will go on week long trips to Forever 21 with me in search of the PERFECT cheap ass, classy yet trashy New Years Eve gown?!

Who will consistently make penis jokes with a beer bottle, or a loaf of bread, or a baseball bat, or a real penis??? WHO tell me WHO???

Funkney, how could you DO this to ME! Leave America in search of meaning in your life and the desire to better other people, pshaaaaa! I know the truth. You went for the $1 a day personal chef, the child slave to brush your your hair 100 strokes before bed each night, and the hopes that the country will hail you as there Queen lavishing you in flowers and peeled grapes. I know YOU, you can't FOOL ME!

Ugh, ANYWAY, so in order to ease my fears (stereotyped I realize) of the Funk being kidnapped into white slavery I'm going to take this time to digest some of the more beautiful images of Myanmar in hopes of calming my weary soul:

1. First off, here is Funkney on the boat she took to get to Myanmar:



JUST KIDDING HAHAHAHA!! No but really, those are her new slaves that she had sent over to clean her feet nightly. NOW onto the BEAUTY of Myanmar. I have no idea what any of these sites are so I will refrain from trying to caption or explain the pictures.













WASN"T THAT MAHVELOUS!??!!

Funkney DID send me one actual picture from her new life so far. Take a look at her NEW husband and baby (who soon will be sold for $500 so don't get too attached)!



Aren't they just DELICIOUS!


SO yeah, that's my ode to the Funk. I hope you are safe, happy and healthy and if you DO decide to come back to me and the land of cut up hot dogs in macaroni and cheese I will welcome you with open arms and a pair of your very own magical pants. BABY COME BACK!

Coming Soon

ARE YOU READY!?!?!