Michelle Obama: MALF

Barack stole this MILF from Joe and Noah and he's trying to make her a MALF instead. Selfish or Selfless? You decide.



VIA 23/6

How Could You Leave Me Girl?

My dearest pal little Funkney Old MacDonald LEFT me the other day for what seems like it will be a LIFETIME. The Funkster decided to travel the world in search of Rambo and cyclones and ventured on a two year long trip to Myanmar-- or what is more commonly known as Burma--to teach young, less fortunate, baby childs about the magic of music and pizza.

OHHHH how I'll miss my dear Funkney! Who will balance out my drunken antics when I'm acting a fool to only act a bigger fool by flipping over a beer pong table when everyone's backs are turned?!

Who will go on week long trips to Forever 21 with me in search of the PERFECT cheap ass, classy yet trashy New Years Eve gown?!

Who will consistently make penis jokes with a beer bottle, or a loaf of bread, or a baseball bat, or a real penis??? WHO tell me WHO???

Funkney, how could you DO this to ME! Leave America in search of meaning in your life and the desire to better other people, pshaaaaa! I know the truth. You went for the $1 a day personal chef, the child slave to brush your your hair 100 strokes before bed each night, and the hopes that the country will hail you as there Queen lavishing you in flowers and peeled grapes. I know YOU, you can't FOOL ME!

Ugh, ANYWAY, so in order to ease my fears (stereotyped I realize) of the Funk being kidnapped into white slavery I'm going to take this time to digest some of the more beautiful images of Myanmar in hopes of calming my weary soul:

1. First off, here is Funkney on the boat she took to get to Myanmar:



JUST KIDDING HAHAHAHA!! No but really, those are her new slaves that she had sent over to clean her feet nightly. NOW onto the BEAUTY of Myanmar. I have no idea what any of these sites are so I will refrain from trying to caption or explain the pictures.













WASN"T THAT MAHVELOUS!??!!

Funkney DID send me one actual picture from her new life so far. Take a look at her NEW husband and baby (who soon will be sold for $500 so don't get too attached)!



Aren't they just DELICIOUS!


SO yeah, that's my ode to the Funk. I hope you are safe, happy and healthy and if you DO decide to come back to me and the land of cut up hot dogs in macaroni and cheese I will welcome you with open arms and a pair of your very own magical pants. BABY COME BACK!

Born In The Usa (East L.A. ?)

Yes, that's me obnoxiously screaming. Hear that cackle??

I Hate Stupid Boys

FHM released their top 100 sexist women list today. THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!! I've been waiting all YEAR for this!!!!!!!!!! Kill me. ANYWAY, so the top 10 are pretty lame I must say. Megan Fox of Transformers fame topped the list at #1. She's hot in that white trash whore sort of way I suppose but #1? paalleasseeeee.

Other's in the top 10 include Jessica Alba who I am SOOO over and was actually never under (shut it). I never saw the big deal with her. She's cute but nothing about her is striking to me. And besides she has genital Herpes, hotness automatically revoked.
+ =


Another disappointment was the inclusion of Hayden Pantyhoseiere. To me, when guys think that she's hot, it's almost like pedophilia. She looks like a child. A cute child but not a GORGEOUS child even. Her face is mehh, kinda dumb. SORRY!

Hillary Duff managed to make it to #8 beating out both Keira Knightley and Angelina Jolie. THIS makes me think, "wtf is wrong with these men?" Don't get me wrong, she's looking pretty cute these days with her new teeth but she still has that manish frame and she is NO Angelina. Let's get real here. Lindsay Lohan must be dying inside since she only made it to #41, losing even to Britney Spears at #31. Just goes to show you no matter how crazy or fat Britney gets Lindsay will never surpass her. Even Britney's secret lesbian side is more intriguing than Lindsay's. I love how they used this anorexic, side boob pic of Lindsay too. SUPER flattering.



Britney's moving up though apparently. She was at #54 last year so moving up 20 spots or so is a decent improvement I'd say. Must be a lot of guys who enjoy women with KFC grease on their face, mmmmmmm.

I'm very glad that Heidi Montag didn't manage to swindle her way onto this list. I thought for sure she'd be on here since she did that nauseating spread for FHM a few months back, but luckily American men were not fooled by her worthlessness.

My latest non-lesbian crush Marion Cotillard made the list at a SHOCKING #99. For SHAMMME America. This bitch is gorgeous and should definitely be higher up than Hillary Duff, barf. FHM didn't even give her the courtesy of posting a picture so in honor of France and cleaning up the standards of America I give you Marion Cotillard: GORGEOUS! JK, here's the real deal: