I must admit, I was a very bad TVaholic this fall and neglected my dearly beloved "Rock of Love" cast members by choosing NOT to watch "Rock of Love Charm School" season 2. I missed the first 2-3 episodes and I hate starting a show halfway through a season so I decided to blow this one off. I know, I KNOW! Foooorrr shammmmmmmeeeeee! BUT fear not, for I happen to catch a rerun of the reunion special last night and LEMMMEETELLYAA, that ish was worth every moment of white trash torture.
Now, even though I missed every single episode of Charm School it made no difference on my viewing of the reunion special for I know these lurverly ladies quite well after 2 seasons of non-stop PARTY TOWN on "Rock of Love." Hey "don't threaten me with a good time" yaknowatisayinnnnnn?? And I mean this show is full of moronic whores so how lost could a dumb ass like me get?
So the reunion gets RIGHT down to it and throws you into the fiery pits of hell with old Frenchy's rancid face and signature pink cotton candy covered ensemble, but luckily it stayed on her monstrous bosoms this time around. I guess she only likes to show berests to Beret (get it? Beret, like the hat? BREASTS? BRET Michaels! She's FRENCH! They wear BERET'S! Yeah I know. Genius.) and not Mrs. Osbourne. WHAT a lucky guy that Bret Michaels is!
Beret shoulz i tuk mah penuss avay dis tyme?
Next on deck was Courtney the drunk. Remember her? Yeah no one does, it's o.k. It's because she was only on the first episode of "Rock of Love 2" and she clearly did not learn her humiliating life lesson after puking and passing out on television the first time around. So this time she decided to go big or go home and man ALIVE did she do her parents proud this time! But of course she ended up going home because she went big. Ironic? Not at all. Insecurity and depression covered with the transparent glow of vodka and narcissism? Oh most definitely. Apparently Courtney's all better now that Sharon saved her soul by suggesting she get her ass to rehab, but a quick trip to the shrink did the trick instead. Thanks Sha Sha!
White trash cat face Kristy Jo was back too! Ms. Personality learned a lesson in humility and realized that she was duller than water after she was forced to hide her skanky hot looks with a fat suit forcing her to rely on her conversation skills, of which she has none. Kristy Jo thumped out onto the stage like she was Eddie Murphy and honestly looked a lot happier and healthier! Now when I look at her I can see that she has that inner fat girl in her and is probably meant to be one. Let that girl OUT Kristy Jo! There are devil dogs smothered in bacon to be eaten and gay guys to cling to! And stop wearing all that black eyeliner and mascara, it makes you like 10 times the whore you really are. Or are you...
And then we have Rodeo and Megan. OHHH Rodeo and Megan, be still my heart. This interview was obviously the cherry on the yeast infection sundae that VH1 was scooping out. Poor Rodeo! All she's ever wanted to do was win a reality TV show! She's worked her WHOLE life to win and still her greatest achievement so far is endorsing waterproof jeans. Oh and her son of course.
And then there's Megan. Ooooohhh Megan. Dear kindergarten drop out Megan. You've come a long way from giving blue balls on "Beauty and the Geek."
You've successfully found your calling in self-mutilation and catty mean girl manipulation. The way that you time and time again prove to have no soul beneath your string bikini truly is an art form. But this time you went TOO far my friend. TOO FAR!
After berating poor, sweetly retarded, witch cackler Rodeo for the umpteenth time Megan took to talking smack on Ozzy. Sha Sha no likey! This time it was teacher who had learned the life lesson. Don't take no crap from bimbos! Sharon chose to daintily dump her mug o White Zinfandel onto Megan's weave and white two piece--yes she wore a bikini to the reunion show. It's her THING guys! She then must have ripped at her hair because that thing looked like a rat's nest once Sharon was done with her.
Oh did I leave out the part about how Megan was completely WASTED and slurring every winy noise that came out of her sour patch pie hole? After she was asked if she were drunk her response was "What? It's the afternoooooon " Umm so what's your point Megan? That seems like an obvious reason to be drunk, wouldn't ya say? ANDDD she undeniably was. She was completely trashed off her skinny ass, and rightfully so. Wouldn't you be wasted non-stop if you looked like her and wanted to continue making a fool of yourself on TV? Why YES I would. And in fact I am, right now, on You Tube.
So basically Sharon F-ed Megan up, she leaves crying and trying to cover herself up as she walks through the parking lot, and the rest of the cast congratulates Sharon on shutting that bitch up. NOW it's a party!
Lacey and Heather are next, those classic beauties. Heather apparently said something about being an A-List celebrity and tried to roll into the reunion with Anna Nicole Smith's entourage and Lacey just bitched, bitched, bitched, evil smiled, evil smiled, evil smiled. Typicallllll.
Finally we get down to the two left standing at the end, Destiny and Brandi M. Destiny really cleaned up her act and thinks she's now a lady. I'll hand it to her, she's much less screechy now and she owes it all to finding inner peace in biker t-shirt design. She also has a man friend whom I'll dub scary biker Frank and she probably calls him Daddy because he could be her Daddy.
But in the end Brandi M took home the mutha load and I have to say, I love Brandi M. I've always loved her. I feel we could be great pals, me and Brandi M. She's the right mix of throaty voiced party animal and terrifically hilarious bitch. You could just tell that she wasn't the disgusting trash bag that all of the other girls always were. She was just funny and a little tom boyish. I'm glad she won the $100k and not Bret Michaels' penis. She deserved better than that. Her former drunken pirate and canned farts will be sorely missed but I would indeed trade in a few shenanigans for $100k too.
And the rest is history! A sad story that I missed out on such a wonderful season but when it comes down to it, a beat down at a reunion show is all a gal really needs to get her crap TV kicks. You can check out the rest of the clips from "Rock of Love Charm School" season 2 here. Oh and don't forget to check out the"Rock of Love Bus." This mess already threatened me to my core with more than a good time. THE DEVILS TIME! And vagina shots, so gross.
